posted by Tamara on Daily journal

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Confession time! I have succumbed to my old ways and am drinking coffee after making numerous cups of herbal tea that I just didn’t like. I lied. I do like coffee. I like sugar! I like take-out! I tried to convince myself I don’t like it, but I do! I have been sick and then I have felt like I am not “doing” health and so I completely gave up.
As a mum of 5, I really have put my health on the back burner. My mind is constantly jumping from place to place and this mental clutter needs to be cleared out!. I am, quite frankly, trying to cover too much ground.
Here are some of what’s going on in my mind (in no particular order):

-meals for the day
-lunches for school
-laundry – correct uniforms cleaned and ironed
-beds made
-birthday shopping – gifts,
-party preparations – decorations, games, prizes, cupcakes, birthday cake etc.
-appointments – doctors, teachers,
-bible study/prayer
-parenting reading – always needing to learn something as my kids keep evolving!
-kids homework – listening to readers assisting where the they need help
-finances
-house plans…considering this down the track..possibly, maybe…
-marriage – spending time with hubby!
-and in health – blog about my non-existent health commitment
-home projects – refurbishing furniture
-starting to prepare for Christmas – listing presents to buy and menu
-work…pondering what I am going to be when I grow up!
-family time

Anyway, you get the point. I am filling my life up with lots of “stuff”. Some important, some trivial.
I do not place importance on my health simply by placing all these other things first. It is amazing how the decisions we make, those resolutions we make, put us on autopilot even against our better judgement.
When my eldest son was 5 months old we almost lost him. I fell and his head was fractured on the concrete. The skull popped in and severed his brain when it popped back out. It was a trying time and very scary but a couple weeks later we came home with our happy baby boy who is just fine today! I remember making the vow to be the best mum I could be! Over the years this vow has worked against me time and time again. I have placed more pressure on my children, my husband and myself than was necessary or healthy. But why am I telling you this? Because I realize this vow is at work even now. I am filling my life with those things I think make me a good mum and not doing any of them really well.
Mother guilt. Has anyone else entertained her recently?

Have you heard the jar analogy? Take a look at this.

My weeks have been slowly filling with the unimportant things first. NOT COOL!
I am the queen of excuses and most of the time they are genuine reasons for being unable to complete something…at least, that’s what I have told myself. The truth is that although there are times I cannot do certain things this doesn’t prevent me from working around my limitations to achieve my goals!
A week ago I was given a great life lesson when a lovely friend planned to take me to a boxing class. It was a Friday afternoon, the day before my daughters birthday party. I was strapped for time and I was stressing out about getting to the session and having everything else be complete and ready for my princess’s special day. She let me off the hook and planned we would go a week later! “I’m in” Then two days ago I overdid some squats and have not been able to walk properly since. I mean, really not able to walk properly. I piked. Now I feel awful.
I spent the morning with a friend in hospital who has been given a short few months to live, according to the doctors. I looked at her and considered that my days are numbered and I am wasting them! Yes. I am wasting them! I have many moments every day that are valuable and important to me, but, compared to what I could be doing and the way I could be living…I am wasting much of the precious time I have been blessed with. You can replace wasted money. You can replace lost items. And in some instances, our bodies can be healed but we cannot replace loved ones or time. Once they are gone…
I have wasted this past month with a terrible diet, no exercise and unimportant little tasks that, at the end of the day don’t matter! So, when Adam gets home I am going to be measured and find a way to change this overweight, tired, aching, depressed body into a healthy, vibrant, fit and happy one!

I have not given my best. I have not wanted this badly enough and I have not pushed through the pain. Yes, I have some restrictions presently but there are other options to get me on the right track. So, no more excuses. Let’s go again. I’m gonna give my best…

…my very best.

Tags: backslide, confession, overthinking, recommitment